


20 ii diied, 20 what?

by LastNameATree



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Classpects (Homestuck), Doomed Timelines, Monologue, Suicidal Ideation, Therapy Session
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:07:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23094556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LastNameATree/pseuds/LastNameATree
Summary: Sollux has a long-postponed ghost therapy monologue with Aradia.A character study of one of my favorite Homestuck characters.Within canon, this occurs somewhere after the fateful meteor sacrifice, within a ghost bubble.
Relationships: Sollux Captor/Aradia Megido
Kudos: 7





	20 ii diied, 20 what?

  
So, I died.  


  
The consequential decision made up from the countless dreary wakeful moments of Doom and perpetual nihilistic afflictions that were my life. I died, shocker – we all die. The end.  


  
Do we have to do this, AA? I swear if I see a fucking Chaise Longue or a pile of conveniently stacked horns, I am not going to have this therapy session with you. Go find another me to pester.  


  
Okay, fine, fine. I’m sorry for lashing out, I’m just not sure where to begin.  


  
I guess it just felt good – I didn’t give it a ‘second’ thought. I didn’t flinch when the psiionics burst honey through my sockets. Why was I ‘so’ adamant in sacrificing my life for the sake of sending my friends off to play fetch with a carapacian hell-hound? I didn’t care. I just did it because it felt like I had to contribute.  


  
It’s not every day you get to stand in the limelight, excuse me, mustard-light and prance off like a dying pariah. ‘Heroic’, my ass, I didn’t give a shit about all of that but seeing Karkat’s face probably made it up for me.  


  
Sure, there was a chance that my death was somehow barred by a dual-cognizance or some half-life type of shit. But the way I saw it – I mean, ok, I’m blind – laugh it up. The way it ‘seemed’ to me back then was that, whatever the case would be, you’d be there to meet me half-way. Not because of the whole “Ghost business” you’ve got going on, but because you’re my friend. And you did – I’m grateful, I really am.  


  
Yeah, I get the ‘not caring’ thing isn’t really a detachment from my former nihilistic tendencies, but it’s not like I’ve been fetishizing death.  


  
Oh, come on, don’t give me that look – that wasn’t directed at you, AA. I find your corpse parties classy and completely appropriate.  


  
Nevertheless, I’ve been way over my death phase, thank god. It’s just that I never wanted to be part of the game in the first place. Not really. Not after I realized what it was about.  


  
We were doomed, AA. We’re still doomed. It doesn’t take shitty tights and doom-actualization for me to know that my aspect was right – the voices in my head kept spelling out the same thing.  


  
We never had any agency. We were an ever-expanding part of creation since our wriggling days. I am the mage-fucking-all-powerful of doomed timelines and I can attest that any of our alternative selves had absolutely no moral or essential grounding and neither do we. We’re like the fucking quarks and shit that make up the universe. No agency, no direction, yet somehow our friction bends space in a way that separates the things and the no-things. We are the tools of binary, of duality – of existence and the lack-there-of.  


  
Fuck, this two-fold shit is gonna make me sick, can I double kill myself? Shit, here I go again. AA, hold me down.  


  
It’s not like it’s our fault or anything. Scratching the disc released us into an imprint from the Dancestor’s session, and we’ve been imparted as the gargled remains of a doomed seeding of the finest universe croaks in the market. This is creation, I guess. That’s our intelligent design, that’s our coding. SGRUB’s the competition, the, uh, “survival of the fittest” and all that.  


  
The point of my laboriously side-tracked think-pan is that the agency that we ‘did have’ was only there because of the crumbs of meaning the medium decided to throw at us if we obeyed and followed the narrative correctly. You know – end the session, become god-tiers, create and live within the carefully structured ectobiologically sanctified society of SGRUB, be in a constant struggle along the way.  


  
Fuck that, I just wanted to hang out. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m fortunate enough to be happy. I’ll be happy. I don’t need to stand on the front page and titillate all my worries like a scant two-dimensional lost puppy. And I guess that’s the case for why I died.  


Now, how about we go watch the ghost army?  


**Author's Note:**

> This is incredibly self-indulgent but also a way to commemorate the free rent Sollux has had in my head ever since that one panel - you know the one - where he's just tearing up there after Aradiabot's tragic death 0_0.
> 
> I feel like the whole point of Sollux not being a major character in canon is because he's personally not that into it. Ever since he "peaced out" of the 3-year hormone-party of the meteor, he's just sort of been chilling. That's part of the reason why I like him.


End file.
